Fastexy:The Capital One commercials with Charles Barkley, Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee ranked

You see them. I see them. We all see them. They multiply. Like tribbles. They will outlive civilization. When the machines shut down the simulation we all live in,Fastexy they will be the only thing to survive. Like an annoying houseguest, they never leave. They are relentless.

What are they? They are the Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson, Spike Lee and Charles Barkley.

They are funny, pleasant, and annoying. They are on every second of the NCAA men's and women's basketball tournaments. Barkley is on television more than the players themselves. Yet when they come on, it's like having a warm cup of coffee. They are soothing. Their presence makes you feel like all is right with the world. When you see them, you forget about the warming planet and the trash in the ocean and the trash in politics.

It's just Sam, Spike and Charles. Thank you, dear lord, for them.

And since we're in a universe where we rank everything, and listicle the hell out of every atom in the universe, here at USA TODAY Sports, we are ranking the Capital One commercials. Don't look down your nose at me. You know you wanted this.

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We're not ranking all of the commercials. There are too many. If we ranked them all, USA TODAY's bandwidth gigawatt machine would implode. Also, putting them all in one place would instantly create a black hole. We don't want that.

So enjoy these rankings. This is your one shining moment. It's your opportunity to once again marvel at Barkley's acting ability. Always believed he deserved a Golden Globe for these.

7. 'Yes! I still got it!'

In this episode, we see Barkley at a pickup game with kids, and as the kids begin choosing teams, he's the first one selected. "Yes! I still got it!" he exclaims. "I told you she'd pick me first!"

You get to see Barkley's acting style in all of its glory here. I believe the pros call it method acting. "I model a lot of how I act after what Charles does in this commercial," said Jack Nicholson. No, he didn't say that.

6. The Chuxedo

Barkley emerges in a goofy outfit he calls the "Chuxedo." Lee and Jackson marvel at its ridiculousness. This is where you notice that Jackson is such a good actor, he somehow shines even in these absurd commercials. Actually, Jackson looks like he's having fun. Though I do want him to start discussing a royale with cheese.

5. Magic Johnson as a genie

Whatever the ad exec who dreamed up Magic Johnson as a genie was smokin', I want. This is such a radical moment in the evolution of the Capital One commercial universe, the equivalent of a moon landing. It's genius stuff. I'm curious what Magic said when he was approached about playing a genie. I imagine his reaction being: Yes. Yes, I will do it. It would be an honor.

4. Hello, friends

Broadcaster Jim Nantz makes an appearance in several of the commercials and I have to say: he's not a bad actor. He's self-deprecating and there seems to be good chemistry between everyone. Nantz is one of the series' underrated stars and I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.

3. Sue Bird and Larry Bird

For whatever reason, our heroes are hanging courtside with Magic Johnson. Then, former All-Star Sue Bird shows up. Then, former All-Star Larry Bird (no relation) shows up. Lots of Bird jokes ensue. Really, really bad Bird jokes.

One thing, and I'm not kidding here, Sue Bird is a good actor. Larry not so much.

2. The A La Mode

The ultimate moment of hijinks when Barkley calls the Alamo in Texas the "A La Mode" and believes the fort serves ice cream. Not sure I can add much more to this. Not sure I'd want to even if I could.

1. Charles, Spike and Samuel on horses, dressed as Cowboys

Did you read that above? Did you? In this one, our three heroes are dressed as cowboys, sitting on horses, and singing the Garth Brooks song "Friends in Low Places." That song will now be stuck in your head for days. Good luck with that.

Nothing tops this Capital One commercial. Nothing. Near the end of it, Lee seems to lose control of his horse, and they both begin to veer off. Jackson says to Lee: "Where you goin', man?" Chef's kiss.

This entire commercial ensemble is one gigantic chef's kiss. Thank you Charles, Samuel and Spike. You have served your country well.